doubts...

Everything is blurry. It seems like ages ago when i was booking my ticket, planning my vacation, and being excited about going home. The truth is i need that vacation. I need  to feel how it feels to go home and see the changes the last 20 months had change. I really don't know where my home is now. Since it was taken from me a few months ago.... This trip is different, it was unplanned, in a hurry, and the details are fuzzy but here i am, a few hours way from boarding a plane and going back to the place where i used to belong...
A few hours more and its starting to dawn on me, hes not gonna be there. He's not gonna drive me to my errands, im never gonna touch him again, smell him, im never gonna feel the comfort  and security that only he could give..... Now more than ever,, Im missing you...

I have always taken for granted everything, coz you've been with me all my life, as far as i can remember. Holding my hand, the re-assuring smile and and the never ending love you give me which shaped me and taught me more than i could ever comprehend... Although this is not a pleasure trip, im starting to feel my grief, the pain gripping my heart and the loneliness starting to sink in...

How can i cope living in the same house without you? I know i just have to suck it up, breathe and deal with it. I know you will hate it if i cry over you, but i couldn't help it, even if i try... and Unconsciously I've been planning to feel the gap that you left by spending as little time at home and i know that's not really a good thing... That's not the reason for the trip and it killing me.... now i'm having second thoughts about it,,, why did i ever volunteer for this?? I should have stayed quiet and just watch it pass me by, but i cant afford to do that now, i'm needed and i need to stand and be there for everybody.

I don't know how i would react tomorrow, but one thing i'm not looking forward to is lighting a candle on your grave, for both of you...... It feels empty without you.

Goodbye Harry...

A bittersweet ending to one of the best series i have ever devoted myself to follow, may  it be the books or the movies, it has become a part of my life...

The first time i met harry, ron and hermione december 2001, when i first saw the fillm with my friends, i have been an avid reader but i didnt start on harry potter until i saw the film and i was hooked...

I cried, I laugh, I oggled and oozed with wonder as i read the books that became longer and heavier as the series and story progress, Harry potter took me back to my love of adventure and magic,, it made me love childrens book and junior fiction books that led me into reading the twilight series and all the other junior book series i am reading now (i was more into adult fiction such as Vampire chronicles and the like). 

Aside from Harry Potter and the sorcerers stone (i watched the film first though), the second upto the seventh film as a bit of a disappiontment as i am a hard-ass fan of the book, though they have improve on the effects and acting,  the emotions i get from the book doesnt really amount to what the movies triggers, i could say i watch the films only to watch how they adapted the books.,, then came The deathly Hallows 2...

I can say that The Deathly Hallows Part two is the best adaptation of the harry potter series i have ever watched... The same emotion and the same intense sense of lost, love, friendship and sacrifices i have read in the book was well expressed and well presented in this last installment of the movie... or maybe im in a bit of an emotional episode as of the moment, never in the series i have felt connected in same ways to it...

From the opening of the movie which opened where it left on the first part up to the last minute its action pack emotional journey,, and yes i cried too... Saying goodbye is never an easy things,, and this series is part of the goodbyes i have to encounter this year...

A Prayer

at the end of the day,

when im all alone, 

i try and talk to you, 

thanking you for all my blessings

telling you what i've been through..

i whisper what my heart desires

or the things thats troubling my mind, 

i give grace

and i give time

even in the darknest

i feel your embrace

the presence that i so crave

the love that you promised if i behave..

roads are rough

and times are tough

my will may shake

balls may drop

with you by my side

i will not crumble

with every obstacle

ill be willing and able

with your guidance

i will not stray

from the path ahead

that for me you've laid

for every torn

for every pain

even if it'll be too much strain

i give you my mind 

my heart

my soul

from the deepest

part of my heart

this, for You, 

down on my kness,

i pray.