L-O-V-E. Life On Visual Ecstasy. Ahhhh euphoria, never ending pleasure, well until it lasts that is.
When was the last time I fell madly crazily in-love?
The question I often ask myself. Usually followed by how can u tell its the real fucking thing?
Whenever we are in a certain relationship, we are disillusioned by our emotions. the love we thought we feel might have been lust after all once it fades away. Or the affection we thought we had for a person is actually the need to satisfy our-self because we are so afraid to be alone and so we settle for what is right in front of Us. Making excuses and justifying the need to be in a destructive relationship just because being alone is more unimaginable.
And yes, ive there and ive done that. Not just once, but over and over again until I cant even recognized myself in the mirror. And just finally I had about enough of it, so I decided to stop. To stop and rest my poor battered heart. To rejuvenate my soul and find what I lost. And I'm glad I did. Maybe I'm just romanticizing being alone but so its one of the best decisions I ever did. It gets lonely yeah, who wont be, but the thought of somebody hurting me for loving them completely is scarier. I have thought about these things and I have thought about it a lot. I learned that facing your past, admitting your mistakes, and taking responsibility in everything is harder than anyone can imagine. But that was the time that everything made sense to me.
Pointing fingers and blaming your exs for every hurt and every failed relationships is easier than admitting our weaknesses. For mistakes makes us weak and being weak is just unacceptable. For every action that we take and every decision we make no matter what drove us to do it in any situation, in any point and time in our lives is our own making. And the consequences of our actions are our burden, and yes it ours alone. I have been blamed and yes I've blamed somebody else to, and that process goes on and on and on. Its very tiring, more often than not demeaning too.
My friends keep asking if I'm happy. And yes i am. Its not just yeah yeah I'm happy so that you'll stop asking me that question, but I am truly deeply happy. Maybe because I'm too selfish and not worrying about another person in this point and time suits me completely. All the time alone made me stronger and better than I once was. And yes I am arrogant about it too, and by that i mean extremely arrogant. And I have the all the right to be. HAH! lolz.
I had a conversation which was uhm, long overdue? And I was asked if I'm ready to be in a relationship again. And I said I am, I've been ready for a long time the problem is I haven't found anybody I will love. Everybody will hurt you, the thing is I still haven't someone who i think will be worth my sufferings. And unlike before, now I'm willing to wait, just hoping it wont be forever. And im wishing hoping praying, the next will be the last.
