So this is my confession.

So I confess.

Im starting to miss you. I look forward to conversations. No, I dont know if this is love already but I like you alot. Like you enough to say im already looking at that crossroad between like and love. As I get to know you the closer I get. I have been ready for quite sometime now, I was just refusing to put myself out there. Then you came. I am not sure if your whole enough to even think about relationships or that you even like me the way I like you. But I guess this is me trying.

I dont like games and I dont like playing. Sabi nga di ba, Single ka, single ako, bat di na lang maging tayo? Lolz... Too fast maybe, we just met but I was wishing and everything points that the universe ia giving me you. I dont know alot of things but ill tell what tge things im sure off. I know I'll be in a long distance relationship, I know it will be introduce to me rather than a chance meeting. I know that person will be in the same page as I am. I know ill have conversations. I know I will meet someone who can turn my life around.

Its overwhelming. we might drown and find ourselves just caught in the moment of weakness, of aloneness or even loneliness. But I believe in seizing the moment and not let it passed you by and we both know what that means. I dont wanna get burn and I dont wanna be hurt but for all I have and for what I am, I really feel you will be worth it. I have been waiting, hoping, praying, you are worth it.

f l i c k e r

close my eyes

and  i listen

now im lost

though not forgotten

I see you

from far afar

out of reach

out of touch

out of love.

the air is heavy

its weighing me down

the sky is falling

raining down on me

covering me in sorrow

sadness, freezing all around

i caught you staring

calling out my name

as darkness surrounds me.

A flicker of light

Singing songs of love

walls exploding around me

Hope awakened my soul

Fire on your hands

Melting my icy heart

I feel your heat

burning, burning my skin

End to my grief.

i see fire

I watched The Hobbit: the desolation of Smaug. I say its not as emotional as the other films from that franchise but the action sequences was really good. The love story is different too. So i guess that will be the first and last time we will see that.

I was expecting an emotional journey coz the last movie i cried like a river which is a bit embarrassing especially when you are in  a movie house but its hurts so good. Although i didn't have that connection during the movie itself I had it at the end. With the soundtrack. I have it on replay and like a fool feeling the music and Ed Sheeran and my emotional needs was satisfied. He gets me every time.

The movie was long enough, it slack in the middle but the ending was Epic. Caught me off-guard and wanting. I cant wait for the last one.

Yup.

Drizzling rain
Wet hair
Cold weather
Misty breath
Watery shoes
Warm sweater
Walking outside
Skipping with delight
Wishing, hoping
Praying, missing You.

Lockscreen

Your picture. I know its silly and kinda creepy in like a big way coz you aint a celebrity buy seeing your smile makes my day. And it makes me feel good not in a perverted way but in a really good way. I feel younger. Inside that is. I feel soooo good. Jittery, smiling shepishly. Foolishly, im living in a dream, you are in the middle and my whole world revolves around you.

im a creep

For some reason my little infatuation is growing. It feels so weird. I think i need to go out and meet people. I have not really think about what i feel for other people, but i guess when somebody keeps reminding you you like somebody unconsciously you think about it. My friends never do that, we tease and we annoy each other greatly but we never pushed each other like that. I find it annoying but it got me thinking now im stuck with this imaginary feeling. Feeling like im falling for someone i dont even know. Its creeping me out. And confusing my senses. Im laughing at myself im so silly. So this is how it feels like to be like desperate or something. hahahha. I dont really feel ugly oe unwanted. I know for sure im single by choice, but this infatuation makes me feel like a teenager crushing on somebody secretly, knowing the relationship wont go beyond my mind and my secret feeling. I keep thinking about this girl. A thousand miles  away. The feeling is so innocent and sweet. Foolishly Im enjoying it though. Am i turning into a creep? Well I hope not. But finding a person that fits someone from your dream is such a rare experience. Smart, beautiful and a good person inside out. I will relished it,  if only for a lil bit.

LOA

L. O. A.

Law of Attraction.

I've come across this when I was wanting to make a change. When I got tired of all the bullshits that was happening around me. It was a breathe of fresh air. Admittedly I didnt really do a lot of research about it or something and like the things that I picked along the way, the idea drifted far from me. Although some randomness stayed with me. And I'm living in it.

Basically,  the idea was you can be whatever you wanna be. Your thoughts are who you are and who you will become. I've read a few books and listen to podcast and audiobooks. And It helped alot when struggling very hard to find myself and finally discovering what self-love really is.

2013 was the year of self-discovery and the laying of foundation of the life I wanted to live.    It was like so late, but I have always been a late bloomer so what the heck. Better late
than never. And as the saying goes, baby steps put you way ahead of people still stuck in thier own misery. It was amazing how you could achieve when you put your mind into it.  Although I didnt really reached every goal I set myself to accomplished this year. I still feel so grateful for every little things I did. Be it financially, emotionally, mentally, well physically it was a major failure but hey I just change my perception about it. Hahahaha..

Everyday, I manage to tell myself how lucky I am. How much love I have inside me, and how much more I can share it with other people. That my life is great and is getting better and better. And I can feel the changes, gradual changes. I have a very long to go especially with dealing with other people but I feel the patience is slowly building up again. I feel more tolerable of other people and I just hope they would feel the same way about me too. I feel kinder, gentler, maybe more loving. Though, my temper still gets the better of me.

Though I didnt reach my financial goal. It was a whole lot better than any year I can
remember. And I know im on my way to a place I wanna be. Slowly but surely. I have mishaps and I fall out of the wagon most of the time because of my emotion but I manage to go back to my path. And thats more important.

In love. Well, im still working to be that person I would fall inlove with. And im almost there. Im almost ready to throw myself out there. Well almost. Its only a matter of time before I stumbled upon someone I would gladly share a piece of myself with. But for now, im just perfecting myself, molding myself to be the lover I was before life fucked me over without the childishness and foolishness of youth. The innocence and utter bliss and pain of falling madly inlove with a person you are equal with. And its so exciting.

Life in general is really good, especially if you finally get a grip of yourself, when you take responsibility and controlling it and living the way you wanted to. Its priceless. Its precious. Every page, every picture,  every memory
makes life worth living.

Unrequited.

Looking in.
Seeking refuge.
Asking for comfort.
Needing love.

Trying to forget
Concealed feelings
Piercing uncertainties
Wanting you.

Sleepless reverie
Troubled dreams
Disillusioned memories
Me loving you.

I've been throwing jokes around that what I want to have is LOVE as a wish. Funny that someone will start calling me "babe" on Facebook which annoyed me greatly. Like WTF?! no, I know you are just trying to get attention or something do it on your wall. You aint attracted to me and so lets not go there. Assumerang froglet ba ako? Maybe, but its annoying or I guess its one of my pet peeves. So its not amusing me on any level. So i ignore.

For some reason since hitting the Big 3. When Christmas is just around the corner, someone from the past that i fell apart with will start to reconnect. Maybe its just coincidences but still feels weird though. Im still thinking what I feel about that. Last year was in a way successful but now i dont know what will come out of it. So I'll sit back and watch it unfold. It will be interesting who will be reconnecting with me. There are just a few people i was close or intimate with that i have lost touch with and which at least will trigger some memories or even a little curiosity cause i cant think about anyone i have forgotten as far as i van remember, that is.

I spend my birthday the way i wanted to. I made someone's day happy and i felt grateful for being able to make them smile. Tonight ill go out with my Little Twit and that will be quite fun. Then tomorrow with my family and a few friends.

I had a weird dream last night. But it felt so real. And i cant shake it out of my mind. Everything is so sureal. I could feel it, taste it. Well i hope my real life would start catching up with the dreams though, errr, on the contrary I will stay within the dream for now. Its safer.

31st. Who could have thought. I finally have total control of my life. Those I could keep tabs on and those things I am aware of that is. Im making progress, slow progress maybe but its better than doing the same shit over and over again.

If im just an on looker, watching I can say last year was kinda boring. Im like an hermit who is living on her own world. Not minding anybody and anyone. Im still single (whats new?). Lolz. Though right now I am liking somebody but shes too young and too far. So that is that.

Im very thankful for everything. For all the blessing. This year have been a breeze. My life, like a puzzle, is finally falling back to its proper place. All the pieces trying to make amends and making peace with each other. I stumble. I fell. I got up. Shake my head. Looked ahead and started walking. Not looking back. I left everything i dont need on my journey and just took the pieces i will need. I. Finally. Grew. Up.

As my childishness left me. And as i realized my stupidities, the mistakes i made. i keep missing you more and more. They said time will make it better. That it will make it bearable at least. Well, that what i keep telling myself. I find myself wishing more and more and more for another moment with you. Even for just a second that i could say how much I love you. I dont think ill get over this. Each day, each year the hole keeps getting bigger, I know I could do better but i cant. I just cant let go.

In two months, it will be 4 years but its still feels so recent. The pain still feels the same. Sometimes I dream of you, talking spending time again, sometimes even when I am awake. I talk to you in my mind, I keep you in my heart. I find shelter in your love. I find strength in your courage. I wish Ill be half as the person you were. I cry when im alone. no matter where i am when i cant  take the pain of losing you. of missing you. I know you are happy and always watching us. But i cant help it. Im sorry.

As the clock ticks, Im filled with thought of you. Im overwhelmed. The wounds cant stop bleeding. Im breaking down. My tears just keeps on flowing. I wish you are here. I wanna spend my day with you. I wanna be with you. Im being selfish. I miss you. I miss you so so much. Now, more than ever. I smile, i laugh out loud, and Im back hiding. I have regress so far back into myself i dont know how to get up or let anyone in.

I want you to be proud of me. And someday you will be. I promise. I am as strong as you. And maybe I will just as good and loving like you too. I am happy. no doubts about that. But today, just for today I wanna be a child again. I am weak. My heart aches. And i need you. I need to feel you. Please.