Over kill

I had it all laid out. But then after a few days I still havent wrote anything. Im drifting. This is harder than I thought. I know what need to do just the words dont flow as freelybas I want it to. I keep dreaming too. Its vivid, its feels so real but everytime I wake up I cant remember her face, what shes like but I remember how it feels like. Its weird. I havent had this for a very long time. Havent felt like this in ages its just confusing let alone disturbing.  I hate wondering. I hate not being control of my emotion and even my dreams. And these dreams are getting in my way. over thinking is such an over kill and its weighing me down. I have alot  of things to think about than to wonder. Im done waiting and wondering for these kind of things. Subconscious just leave me be. You are not helping by confusing me.

Six months rule

Hhmmmm... I thought this movie will suck but blimmey it was pretty good. The movie said there are two kinds of girls. The one you dated and the girl of your dreams. And it made me look at how my relationships have been for the last decade. And as much as i wanna say i didnt really had that. I did. Falling inlove was such the sweetest thing. It was the most wonderful thing i have ever felt. Innocent, honest, head over heels kinda feeling. Falling that madly inlove was heaven on earth. And that was what drove me mad too. It destroyed me. And im not the same person eversince.

A friend said that the sign of me really growing up and maturing is me being single for a long time. And I have been. Since I started dating this will be the longest time Ive been alone. No date, not even flirting and im not even looking for it. For the first time in years, ive never felt as myself as I am now. I dont have any worries that im not making anybody unhappy. I always do everything in my own pace and in my own time. I guess im naturally a loner. I dont especially like being force to do or say certain things
especially when I dont feel like it at that time. I have given alot of myself that over the years I lost track of who I was and what I really am as I person. I forgot why I got into relationships in the first place. I was so idealistic and romantic and I give everything to make it work, but I was gullible, naive and blinded to the point that I was taken advantage too.

Finding myself again, made me realize what I really wanna have. It may sound silly and crazy, but I guess somethings will never change. Eventhough I have change in more ways than one, I am still that idealistic romantic fool as I have always been. Wanting my perfect love story. It maybe just my fantasy but I  just wanna loose myself to someone who will be crazy enough to break down my walls. But I guess everybody wants to have that too, maybe. Well this line from the movie I guess describe what I want best:

I wanna give up a part of myself to have you, ive never felt like that before. I am unbelievably miserable, but I am better than I was and its because of you.

colors

We always say our subconscious have a mind of thier own and is a very powerful force in our life. In our subconscious lies all the things we fear, we hate, we love and everything and anything we will ever desire, whether we are aware or not. My mind amazes me sometimes, for some reason it always stirs me into a direction that im needing and really really wanting to take.These past few months, im kinda liking blue. Now ive always like blue, no question about that, but for some reason I keep buying blue stuffs and cream. Blue shirts, shorts shoes. Ive always been like that. At a certain point and time ill be fix on a particular color, and I guess so does my ever changing moodiness. so for the first I checked what it means. Funnily enough, blue is the color for learning and communication and cream is for calming and undertanding.
Hhmmmm...

I guess it fits perfectly. coz for the past few months thats what ive been chasing. For more knowledge and understanding and longing for communication.Isnt that amazing. It subtly gave me what I need! We really are powerful creatures, well at least are minds are. Makes me realize it really true that what are mind thinks becomes a reality and the only one that can determine our capabilities are the limitations that we set our minds to. So dream more, want it badly, be true and be precise on what you wanna achieve. Live it religiously and the world is your oysters and everything is just for your taking!

Dream. Believe. Achieve.

feeling old.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night then falling asleep for a bit then waking up again for work. Its tiring. No matter how nice my sleep was waking up every night on witching hour is such an energy sucking annoying occurrence.

 Ugh!

No matter how tired i get or how late i sleep, still i keep waking up at that time. Everytime. Idk whats up with that. But can somebody please give me a break! I have no idea who somebody is but still puhhhhlleeesssss. I wanna sleep like a log even if its only one time, i would be very grateful indeed. Hay naku!Anyway, its a riot rewind today. Its the day when they play classic music on the radios. And oh my! I cant believe it (or I try to deny it myself)! My jam are considered classic nowadays! Hahahaha. It makes me feel so ancient. Wierd thing is, I still listen to them all and those songs are much more relatable than the crap they are playing on the radios nowadays. Some are really good though nothing can beat the groove and the sensuality of the 90's! Errrrr... I guess im really old.

Morning Rush

 A friend's stat said, "working out a sweat alone clears your mind."

That sums up what I feel everytime. Well technically im not alone, Tipsy's always with me but I guess thats really different. Workin it and listening to Chico and Delamar and laughing like crazy is a really nice way to start your day, a great way to start your week. Top it up with natures wonder and everything no matter what you're going through is gonna be ok. Birds singing and insects chirping, everything and everywhere feels so alive! The energy revives my seemingly low one. Breathing deep, fresh air passing through my lungs is happiness. This is life.

I loved you for so long
And its hard to understand
Why up until now
You hold me in your hand.
My heart is still yours
And no matter what I try
Im haunted by the memories
Stories of you and I
Its hard to believe
But I swear it is true
I dont wanna cause no trouble
Eventhough im really hurt
I still put you first
Your happiness is all I wish for.
You said im haunting you
In your dreams
It cant be true.
No more waking up
In the middle of the night
Just let me go
Please let me go.
You still care
And thats enough
It more than I could wish for
We can be friends
Thats a fact
One call and ill be running
Ill still catch you when you fall
When you cry ill dry your tears
Ill drive away your fears
For you ill give my life
But for now you have to let me go.
But im still here.
Ill always be here.