Happy anniver-Sarili

One year!

I cant believed it. Its been a year since I threw love out of the window. Well not really love but relationships. Got tired of trusting people and giving my heart and soul freely to people who isnt really worth my pain. Its not that im utterly selfish its just that I decided that I love myself  more than than anything else.

And its been interesting. I have accomplished more in year than I ever in like the last five years. I was always lost and take pleasure just wondering and paddling through life without direction. I was lost but now I was found. Dont get me wrong what happened to me in the past couple of years made me the person I am now. Life needed to show me, like really show me awful things and experiences to mold me into something twice as wonderful as that childish immature person I was before. And being wonderful matters to the people who knew me back then. I was told I was waste. I have more love to give but just unwilling to go through that. I
build a wall of china around me, and  i am just waiting for somebody to climb it or that somebody that can make me break it down.

Dont get me wrong. I still want love and relationships. But im tired of the process of meeting somebody falling then breaking up. It gets lonely it does, but id rather be alone and happy than get myself in a relationship and be miserable. I dont wanna get into a relationship coz im lonely or coz im afraid to be alone. Im over that shit.

I have met true love. I know how it feels. Ive met heartbreak too. And misery, elation, sadness, happiness,  jealousy,  courtship.  Ive looked at love from all  sides now and I know what I want. And I know what im looking for. Im not choosy I just havent met the person that I will madly fall for.

I wanna be strong at my weakest.  I wanna shattered  and be whole. I wanna be elated while im down. I wanna be stripped naked out  of out my bubble and be accepted fully. Just to be seen as i really am. Maybe im just
being romantic, dreaming of somebody that can swept me off my feet. But somewhere someone is dreaming about that too. Somewhere, someone out there is waiting for our paths to cross. Maybe just maybe.

As for now, I raised my glasses. And ill drink to my anniversary. I am happy and that's what matters most.

Happy anniver-sarili.

Liberties.

There will be realizations about our past. About everything that didn't last. And there will be things you will never comprehend no matter how hard you try. Its confusing to say the least, when somebody will say they cant remember at the same time they cant forget. I have made peace with every demons in my past. Though there are those that cant be forgotten nor cant it be mended so you just let it be. Things I have no control over with are the things I either embrace or forget. I used to believed that you will always have that someone that you will love more than anything and anyone but for some reason it ended. That one person that got away. Ive always hold on to it. Because deep down I hold on to it because I was still hoping that somewhere in the future our paths will cross and fate will favor us another chance, another chance to make it work and hopefully will last our lifetimes. but life has a funny way of slapping your face with reality. The reality that I needed to wake up from a dream that will never be. That truth covered with the realities of life, love and lost are probably the worst kind of a wake up call but the most liberating at all. I remember, I held on to it, I refused to let it go because I regretted losing it. Even if I lost the person I was once in the relationship, even if I gave up everything good inside me, no matter how hard I tried to make it work, my best my worst wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough. And no matter how much scenarios I keep brewing in my mind it will still boils down to that. I. Wasn't. Good. Enough. Love is only but a chemical reactions in our brains. But the choices that we make and act upon in regards to this feeling are much more relevant than anything else. And the truth is we dont let go and hold on to the past so close to our heart is that we have regrets. Deep inside we know it ended not because we are out of love nor that we are out of trust but because of who we are at that point in time, and the realization that we could have done better, that we could have done more are the things that keeps nagging us back to that time when we let our happiness slipped out of our fingers. The happiness that cant be replaced nor ever be found again. and so I always asked myself did I do my best in every relationship? my answer will always be yes, so that whenever it ends for some reason. I dont regret and I dont looked back. But admittedly there will always be that one time, one place, one person that you will try to hold on to well at least until you are ready to let it go that is.