31st. Who could have thought. I finally have total control of my life. Those I could keep tabs on and those things I am aware of that is. Im making progress, slow progress maybe but its better than doing the same shit over and over again.

If im just an on looker, watching I can say last year was kinda boring. Im like an hermit who is living on her own world. Not minding anybody and anyone. Im still single (whats new?). Lolz. Though right now I am liking somebody but shes too young and too far. So that is that.

Im very thankful for everything. For all the blessing. This year have been a breeze. My life, like a puzzle, is finally falling back to its proper place. All the pieces trying to make amends and making peace with each other. I stumble. I fell. I got up. Shake my head. Looked ahead and started walking. Not looking back. I left everything i dont need on my journey and just took the pieces i will need. I. Finally. Grew. Up.

As my childishness left me. And as i realized my stupidities, the mistakes i made. i keep missing you more and more. They said time will make it better. That it will make it bearable at least. Well, that what i keep telling myself. I find myself wishing more and more and more for another moment with you. Even for just a second that i could say how much I love you. I dont think ill get over this. Each day, each year the hole keeps getting bigger, I know I could do better but i cant. I just cant let go.

In two months, it will be 4 years but its still feels so recent. The pain still feels the same. Sometimes I dream of you, talking spending time again, sometimes even when I am awake. I talk to you in my mind, I keep you in my heart. I find shelter in your love. I find strength in your courage. I wish Ill be half as the person you were. I cry when im alone. no matter where i am when i cant  take the pain of losing you. of missing you. I know you are happy and always watching us. But i cant help it. Im sorry.

As the clock ticks, Im filled with thought of you. Im overwhelmed. The wounds cant stop bleeding. Im breaking down. My tears just keeps on flowing. I wish you are here. I wanna spend my day with you. I wanna be with you. Im being selfish. I miss you. I miss you so so much. Now, more than ever. I smile, i laugh out loud, and Im back hiding. I have regress so far back into myself i dont know how to get up or let anyone in.

I want you to be proud of me. And someday you will be. I promise. I am as strong as you. And maybe I will just as good and loving like you too. I am happy. no doubts about that. But today, just for today I wanna be a child again. I am weak. My heart aches. And i need you. I need to feel you. Please.