So this is my confession.

So I confess.

Im starting to miss you. I look forward to conversations. No, I dont know if this is love already but I like you alot. Like you enough to say im already looking at that crossroad between like and love. As I get to know you the closer I get. I have been ready for quite sometime now, I was just refusing to put myself out there. Then you came. I am not sure if your whole enough to even think about relationships or that you even like me the way I like you. But I guess this is me trying.

I dont like games and I dont like playing. Sabi nga di ba, Single ka, single ako, bat di na lang maging tayo? Lolz... Too fast maybe, we just met but I was wishing and everything points that the universe ia giving me you. I dont know alot of things but ill tell what tge things im sure off. I know I'll be in a long distance relationship, I know it will be introduce to me rather than a chance meeting. I know that person will be in the same page as I am. I know ill have conversations. I know I will meet someone who can turn my life around.

Its overwhelming. we might drown and find ourselves just caught in the moment of weakness, of aloneness or even loneliness. But I believe in seizing the moment and not let it passed you by and we both know what that means. I dont wanna get burn and I dont wanna be hurt but for all I have and for what I am, I really feel you will be worth it. I have been waiting, hoping, praying, you are worth it.

f l i c k e r

close my eyes

and  i listen

now im lost

though not forgotten

I see you

from far afar

out of reach

out of touch

out of love.

the air is heavy

its weighing me down

the sky is falling

raining down on me

covering me in sorrow

sadness, freezing all around

i caught you staring

calling out my name

as darkness surrounds me.

A flicker of light

Singing songs of love

walls exploding around me

Hope awakened my soul

Fire on your hands

Melting my icy heart

I feel your heat

burning, burning my skin

End to my grief.

i see fire

I watched The Hobbit: the desolation of Smaug. I say its not as emotional as the other films from that franchise but the action sequences was really good. The love story is different too. So i guess that will be the first and last time we will see that.

I was expecting an emotional journey coz the last movie i cried like a river which is a bit embarrassing especially when you are in  a movie house but its hurts so good. Although i didn't have that connection during the movie itself I had it at the end. With the soundtrack. I have it on replay and like a fool feeling the music and Ed Sheeran and my emotional needs was satisfied. He gets me every time.

The movie was long enough, it slack in the middle but the ending was Epic. Caught me off-guard and wanting. I cant wait for the last one.

Yup.

Drizzling rain
Wet hair
Cold weather
Misty breath
Watery shoes
Warm sweater
Walking outside
Skipping with delight
Wishing, hoping
Praying, missing You.

Lockscreen

Your picture. I know its silly and kinda creepy in like a big way coz you aint a celebrity buy seeing your smile makes my day. And it makes me feel good not in a perverted way but in a really good way. I feel younger. Inside that is. I feel soooo good. Jittery, smiling shepishly. Foolishly, im living in a dream, you are in the middle and my whole world revolves around you.

im a creep

For some reason my little infatuation is growing. It feels so weird. I think i need to go out and meet people. I have not really think about what i feel for other people, but i guess when somebody keeps reminding you you like somebody unconsciously you think about it. My friends never do that, we tease and we annoy each other greatly but we never pushed each other like that. I find it annoying but it got me thinking now im stuck with this imaginary feeling. Feeling like im falling for someone i dont even know. Its creeping me out. And confusing my senses. Im laughing at myself im so silly. So this is how it feels like to be like desperate or something. hahahha. I dont really feel ugly oe unwanted. I know for sure im single by choice, but this infatuation makes me feel like a teenager crushing on somebody secretly, knowing the relationship wont go beyond my mind and my secret feeling. I keep thinking about this girl. A thousand miles  away. The feeling is so innocent and sweet. Foolishly Im enjoying it though. Am i turning into a creep? Well I hope not. But finding a person that fits someone from your dream is such a rare experience. Smart, beautiful and a good person inside out. I will relished it,  if only for a lil bit.

LOA

L. O. A.

Law of Attraction.

I've come across this when I was wanting to make a change. When I got tired of all the bullshits that was happening around me. It was a breathe of fresh air. Admittedly I didnt really do a lot of research about it or something and like the things that I picked along the way, the idea drifted far from me. Although some randomness stayed with me. And I'm living in it.

Basically,  the idea was you can be whatever you wanna be. Your thoughts are who you are and who you will become. I've read a few books and listen to podcast and audiobooks. And It helped alot when struggling very hard to find myself and finally discovering what self-love really is.

2013 was the year of self-discovery and the laying of foundation of the life I wanted to live.    It was like so late, but I have always been a late bloomer so what the heck. Better late
than never. And as the saying goes, baby steps put you way ahead of people still stuck in thier own misery. It was amazing how you could achieve when you put your mind into it.  Although I didnt really reached every goal I set myself to accomplished this year. I still feel so grateful for every little things I did. Be it financially, emotionally, mentally, well physically it was a major failure but hey I just change my perception about it. Hahahaha..

Everyday, I manage to tell myself how lucky I am. How much love I have inside me, and how much more I can share it with other people. That my life is great and is getting better and better. And I can feel the changes, gradual changes. I have a very long to go especially with dealing with other people but I feel the patience is slowly building up again. I feel more tolerable of other people and I just hope they would feel the same way about me too. I feel kinder, gentler, maybe more loving. Though, my temper still gets the better of me.

Though I didnt reach my financial goal. It was a whole lot better than any year I can
remember. And I know im on my way to a place I wanna be. Slowly but surely. I have mishaps and I fall out of the wagon most of the time because of my emotion but I manage to go back to my path. And thats more important.

In love. Well, im still working to be that person I would fall inlove with. And im almost there. Im almost ready to throw myself out there. Well almost. Its only a matter of time before I stumbled upon someone I would gladly share a piece of myself with. But for now, im just perfecting myself, molding myself to be the lover I was before life fucked me over without the childishness and foolishness of youth. The innocence and utter bliss and pain of falling madly inlove with a person you are equal with. And its so exciting.

Life in general is really good, especially if you finally get a grip of yourself, when you take responsibility and controlling it and living the way you wanted to. Its priceless. Its precious. Every page, every picture,  every memory
makes life worth living.

Unrequited.

Looking in.
Seeking refuge.
Asking for comfort.
Needing love.

Trying to forget
Concealed feelings
Piercing uncertainties
Wanting you.

Sleepless reverie
Troubled dreams
Disillusioned memories
Me loving you.

I've been throwing jokes around that what I want to have is LOVE as a wish. Funny that someone will start calling me "babe" on Facebook which annoyed me greatly. Like WTF?! no, I know you are just trying to get attention or something do it on your wall. You aint attracted to me and so lets not go there. Assumerang froglet ba ako? Maybe, but its annoying or I guess its one of my pet peeves. So its not amusing me on any level. So i ignore.

For some reason since hitting the Big 3. When Christmas is just around the corner, someone from the past that i fell apart with will start to reconnect. Maybe its just coincidences but still feels weird though. Im still thinking what I feel about that. Last year was in a way successful but now i dont know what will come out of it. So I'll sit back and watch it unfold. It will be interesting who will be reconnecting with me. There are just a few people i was close or intimate with that i have lost touch with and which at least will trigger some memories or even a little curiosity cause i cant think about anyone i have forgotten as far as i van remember, that is.

I spend my birthday the way i wanted to. I made someone's day happy and i felt grateful for being able to make them smile. Tonight ill go out with my Little Twit and that will be quite fun. Then tomorrow with my family and a few friends.

I had a weird dream last night. But it felt so real. And i cant shake it out of my mind. Everything is so sureal. I could feel it, taste it. Well i hope my real life would start catching up with the dreams though, errr, on the contrary I will stay within the dream for now. Its safer.

31st. Who could have thought. I finally have total control of my life. Those I could keep tabs on and those things I am aware of that is. Im making progress, slow progress maybe but its better than doing the same shit over and over again.

If im just an on looker, watching I can say last year was kinda boring. Im like an hermit who is living on her own world. Not minding anybody and anyone. Im still single (whats new?). Lolz. Though right now I am liking somebody but shes too young and too far. So that is that.

Im very thankful for everything. For all the blessing. This year have been a breeze. My life, like a puzzle, is finally falling back to its proper place. All the pieces trying to make amends and making peace with each other. I stumble. I fell. I got up. Shake my head. Looked ahead and started walking. Not looking back. I left everything i dont need on my journey and just took the pieces i will need. I. Finally. Grew. Up.

As my childishness left me. And as i realized my stupidities, the mistakes i made. i keep missing you more and more. They said time will make it better. That it will make it bearable at least. Well, that what i keep telling myself. I find myself wishing more and more and more for another moment with you. Even for just a second that i could say how much I love you. I dont think ill get over this. Each day, each year the hole keeps getting bigger, I know I could do better but i cant. I just cant let go.

In two months, it will be 4 years but its still feels so recent. The pain still feels the same. Sometimes I dream of you, talking spending time again, sometimes even when I am awake. I talk to you in my mind, I keep you in my heart. I find shelter in your love. I find strength in your courage. I wish Ill be half as the person you were. I cry when im alone. no matter where i am when i cant  take the pain of losing you. of missing you. I know you are happy and always watching us. But i cant help it. Im sorry.

As the clock ticks, Im filled with thought of you. Im overwhelmed. The wounds cant stop bleeding. Im breaking down. My tears just keeps on flowing. I wish you are here. I wanna spend my day with you. I wanna be with you. Im being selfish. I miss you. I miss you so so much. Now, more than ever. I smile, i laugh out loud, and Im back hiding. I have regress so far back into myself i dont know how to get up or let anyone in.

I want you to be proud of me. And someday you will be. I promise. I am as strong as you. And maybe I will just as good and loving like you too. I am happy. no doubts about that. But today, just for today I wanna be a child again. I am weak. My heart aches. And i need you. I need to feel you. Please.

Happy anniver-Sarili

One year!

I cant believed it. Its been a year since I threw love out of the window. Well not really love but relationships. Got tired of trusting people and giving my heart and soul freely to people who isnt really worth my pain. Its not that im utterly selfish its just that I decided that I love myself  more than than anything else.

And its been interesting. I have accomplished more in year than I ever in like the last five years. I was always lost and take pleasure just wondering and paddling through life without direction. I was lost but now I was found. Dont get me wrong what happened to me in the past couple of years made me the person I am now. Life needed to show me, like really show me awful things and experiences to mold me into something twice as wonderful as that childish immature person I was before. And being wonderful matters to the people who knew me back then. I was told I was waste. I have more love to give but just unwilling to go through that. I
build a wall of china around me, and  i am just waiting for somebody to climb it or that somebody that can make me break it down.

Dont get me wrong. I still want love and relationships. But im tired of the process of meeting somebody falling then breaking up. It gets lonely it does, but id rather be alone and happy than get myself in a relationship and be miserable. I dont wanna get into a relationship coz im lonely or coz im afraid to be alone. Im over that shit.

I have met true love. I know how it feels. Ive met heartbreak too. And misery, elation, sadness, happiness,  jealousy,  courtship.  Ive looked at love from all  sides now and I know what I want. And I know what im looking for. Im not choosy I just havent met the person that I will madly fall for.

I wanna be strong at my weakest.  I wanna shattered  and be whole. I wanna be elated while im down. I wanna be stripped naked out  of out my bubble and be accepted fully. Just to be seen as i really am. Maybe im just
being romantic, dreaming of somebody that can swept me off my feet. But somewhere someone is dreaming about that too. Somewhere, someone out there is waiting for our paths to cross. Maybe just maybe.

As for now, I raised my glasses. And ill drink to my anniversary. I am happy and that's what matters most.

Happy anniver-sarili.

Liberties.

There will be realizations about our past. About everything that didn't last. And there will be things you will never comprehend no matter how hard you try. Its confusing to say the least, when somebody will say they cant remember at the same time they cant forget. I have made peace with every demons in my past. Though there are those that cant be forgotten nor cant it be mended so you just let it be. Things I have no control over with are the things I either embrace or forget. I used to believed that you will always have that someone that you will love more than anything and anyone but for some reason it ended. That one person that got away. Ive always hold on to it. Because deep down I hold on to it because I was still hoping that somewhere in the future our paths will cross and fate will favor us another chance, another chance to make it work and hopefully will last our lifetimes. but life has a funny way of slapping your face with reality. The reality that I needed to wake up from a dream that will never be. That truth covered with the realities of life, love and lost are probably the worst kind of a wake up call but the most liberating at all. I remember, I held on to it, I refused to let it go because I regretted losing it. Even if I lost the person I was once in the relationship, even if I gave up everything good inside me, no matter how hard I tried to make it work, my best my worst wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough. And no matter how much scenarios I keep brewing in my mind it will still boils down to that. I. Wasn't. Good. Enough. Love is only but a chemical reactions in our brains. But the choices that we make and act upon in regards to this feeling are much more relevant than anything else. And the truth is we dont let go and hold on to the past so close to our heart is that we have regrets. Deep inside we know it ended not because we are out of love nor that we are out of trust but because of who we are at that point in time, and the realization that we could have done better, that we could have done more are the things that keeps nagging us back to that time when we let our happiness slipped out of our fingers. The happiness that cant be replaced nor ever be found again. and so I always asked myself did I do my best in every relationship? my answer will always be yes, so that whenever it ends for some reason. I dont regret and I dont looked back. But admittedly there will always be that one time, one place, one person that you will try to hold on to well at least until you are ready to let it go that is.

A decade and more..

L-O-V-E. Life On Visual Ecstasy.  Ahhhh euphoria,  never ending pleasure, well until it lasts that is.

When was the last time I fell madly crazily in-love?

The question I often ask myself. Usually followed by how can u tell its the real fucking thing?

Whenever we are in a  certain relationship, we are disillusioned by our emotions.  the love we thought we feel might have been lust after all once it fades away. Or the affection we thought we had for a person is actually the need to satisfy our-self because we are so afraid to be alone and so we settle for what is right in front of Us. Making excuses and justifying the need to be in a destructive relationship just because being alone is more unimaginable. 

And yes, ive there and ive done that. Not just once, but over and over again until I cant even recognized myself in the mirror. And just finally I had about enough of it, so I decided to stop. To stop and rest my poor battered heart. To rejuvenate  my soul and find what I lost. And I'm glad I did. Maybe I'm just romanticizing being alone but so its one of the best decisions I ever did. It gets lonely yeah, who wont be, but the thought of somebody hurting me for loving them completely is scarier. I have thought about these things and I have thought about it a lot. I learned that facing your past, admitting your mistakes, and taking responsibility in everything is harder than anyone can imagine. But that was the time that everything made sense to me.

Pointing fingers and blaming your exs for every hurt and every failed relationships is easier than admitting our weaknesses. For mistakes makes us weak and being weak is just unacceptable. For every action that we take and every decision we make no matter what drove us to do it in any situation, in any point and time in our lives is our own making. And the consequences of our actions are our burden, and yes it ours alone. I have been blamed and yes I've blamed somebody else to, and that process goes on and on and on. Its very tiring, more often than not demeaning too.

My friends keep asking if I'm happy. And yes i am. Its not just  yeah yeah I'm happy so that you'll stop asking me that question,  but I am truly deeply happy. Maybe because I'm too selfish and not worrying about another person in this point and time suits me completely. All the time alone made me stronger and better than I once was. And yes I am arrogant about it too, and by that i mean extremely arrogant. And I have the all the right to be. HAH! lolz.

I had a conversation which was uhm, long overdue? And I was asked if I'm ready to be in a relationship again. And I said I am, I've been ready for a long time the problem is I haven't found anybody I will love. Everybody will hurt you, the thing is I still haven't someone who i think will be worth my sufferings. And unlike before, now I'm willing to wait, just hoping it wont be forever. And im wishing hoping praying, the next will be the last.

Over kill

I had it all laid out. But then after a few days I still havent wrote anything. Im drifting. This is harder than I thought. I know what need to do just the words dont flow as freelybas I want it to. I keep dreaming too. Its vivid, its feels so real but everytime I wake up I cant remember her face, what shes like but I remember how it feels like. Its weird. I havent had this for a very long time. Havent felt like this in ages its just confusing let alone disturbing.  I hate wondering. I hate not being control of my emotion and even my dreams. And these dreams are getting in my way. over thinking is such an over kill and its weighing me down. I have alot  of things to think about than to wonder. Im done waiting and wondering for these kind of things. Subconscious just leave me be. You are not helping by confusing me.

Six months rule

Hhmmmm... I thought this movie will suck but blimmey it was pretty good. The movie said there are two kinds of girls. The one you dated and the girl of your dreams. And it made me look at how my relationships have been for the last decade. And as much as i wanna say i didnt really had that. I did. Falling inlove was such the sweetest thing. It was the most wonderful thing i have ever felt. Innocent, honest, head over heels kinda feeling. Falling that madly inlove was heaven on earth. And that was what drove me mad too. It destroyed me. And im not the same person eversince.

A friend said that the sign of me really growing up and maturing is me being single for a long time. And I have been. Since I started dating this will be the longest time Ive been alone. No date, not even flirting and im not even looking for it. For the first time in years, ive never felt as myself as I am now. I dont have any worries that im not making anybody unhappy. I always do everything in my own pace and in my own time. I guess im naturally a loner. I dont especially like being force to do or say certain things
especially when I dont feel like it at that time. I have given alot of myself that over the years I lost track of who I was and what I really am as I person. I forgot why I got into relationships in the first place. I was so idealistic and romantic and I give everything to make it work, but I was gullible, naive and blinded to the point that I was taken advantage too.

Finding myself again, made me realize what I really wanna have. It may sound silly and crazy, but I guess somethings will never change. Eventhough I have change in more ways than one, I am still that idealistic romantic fool as I have always been. Wanting my perfect love story. It maybe just my fantasy but I  just wanna loose myself to someone who will be crazy enough to break down my walls. But I guess everybody wants to have that too, maybe. Well this line from the movie I guess describe what I want best:

I wanna give up a part of myself to have you, ive never felt like that before. I am unbelievably miserable, but I am better than I was and its because of you.

colors

We always say our subconscious have a mind of thier own and is a very powerful force in our life. In our subconscious lies all the things we fear, we hate, we love and everything and anything we will ever desire, whether we are aware or not. My mind amazes me sometimes, for some reason it always stirs me into a direction that im needing and really really wanting to take.These past few months, im kinda liking blue. Now ive always like blue, no question about that, but for some reason I keep buying blue stuffs and cream. Blue shirts, shorts shoes. Ive always been like that. At a certain point and time ill be fix on a particular color, and I guess so does my ever changing moodiness. so for the first I checked what it means. Funnily enough, blue is the color for learning and communication and cream is for calming and undertanding.
Hhmmmm...

I guess it fits perfectly. coz for the past few months thats what ive been chasing. For more knowledge and understanding and longing for communication.Isnt that amazing. It subtly gave me what I need! We really are powerful creatures, well at least are minds are. Makes me realize it really true that what are mind thinks becomes a reality and the only one that can determine our capabilities are the limitations that we set our minds to. So dream more, want it badly, be true and be precise on what you wanna achieve. Live it religiously and the world is your oysters and everything is just for your taking!

Dream. Believe. Achieve.

feeling old.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night then falling asleep for a bit then waking up again for work. Its tiring. No matter how nice my sleep was waking up every night on witching hour is such an energy sucking annoying occurrence.

 Ugh!

No matter how tired i get or how late i sleep, still i keep waking up at that time. Everytime. Idk whats up with that. But can somebody please give me a break! I have no idea who somebody is but still puhhhhlleeesssss. I wanna sleep like a log even if its only one time, i would be very grateful indeed. Hay naku!Anyway, its a riot rewind today. Its the day when they play classic music on the radios. And oh my! I cant believe it (or I try to deny it myself)! My jam are considered classic nowadays! Hahahaha. It makes me feel so ancient. Wierd thing is, I still listen to them all and those songs are much more relatable than the crap they are playing on the radios nowadays. Some are really good though nothing can beat the groove and the sensuality of the 90's! Errrrr... I guess im really old.

Morning Rush

 A friend's stat said, "working out a sweat alone clears your mind."

That sums up what I feel everytime. Well technically im not alone, Tipsy's always with me but I guess thats really different. Workin it and listening to Chico and Delamar and laughing like crazy is a really nice way to start your day, a great way to start your week. Top it up with natures wonder and everything no matter what you're going through is gonna be ok. Birds singing and insects chirping, everything and everywhere feels so alive! The energy revives my seemingly low one. Breathing deep, fresh air passing through my lungs is happiness. This is life.

I loved you for so long
And its hard to understand
Why up until now
You hold me in your hand.
My heart is still yours
And no matter what I try
Im haunted by the memories
Stories of you and I
Its hard to believe
But I swear it is true
I dont wanna cause no trouble
Eventhough im really hurt
I still put you first
Your happiness is all I wish for.
You said im haunting you
In your dreams
It cant be true.
No more waking up
In the middle of the night
Just let me go
Please let me go.
You still care
And thats enough
It more than I could wish for
We can be friends
Thats a fact
One call and ill be running
Ill still catch you when you fall
When you cry ill dry your tears
Ill drive away your fears
For you ill give my life
But for now you have to let me go.
But im still here.
Ill always be here.