saying goodbyes...

Hi, I am writing you a letter to say the things that I wanted to say but can’t. I have always been good more at writing than saying the things that I truly feel and things that has been weighing on my mind.

I am not happy anymore. There’s I said it. That’s why I have been distant, unemotional, unavailable. No, I am not cheating on you or that I have met somebody else. This have been weighing on my mind since last year when bouts of depression keeps hitting me. No, I didn’t tell you about it or sometimes I did but nothing can comfort me and ease what I’m feeling.

With everything going on, I feel lost in all of this and I don’t know what I can offer you. I have not been giving you what you deserve and that’s burry me further in the ditch I am feeling because I know that you deserve better, much better than what I can give you. I know the past months I just keep on hurting you and I don’t want to do that anymore. My conscience weighs so heavy on me that I feel immobilized most of the time now. And I can’t take that burdened anymore. If I do, I just plunge deeper and deeper in the darkness I have been in for months.

Sorry if I can’t keep my promise of not letting you go, I have tried. I really did but I rather let you go than slowly burn you out and hurt you further. I can’t give all of myself to you and as of the moment I don’t even know who me is.

You are kind, generous and loving and as much as it pains me, for the life of me I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve to beloved like that when I can’t give the same love back. I hate being taken advantage of and taking advantage of things. I could keep on taking and not really care about you but I highly respect you to do that.

Thank you for the love that you have given me. No apologies can ever ease this pain I will cause you but I know and I feel that I will be causing more if I don’t to this. And I don’t want to ruin you. I care for you a lot and I don’t want that. This pains me more than you can ever imagined. I am sorry but the depression I am feeling is too heavy to bear. I am just so lost right now. I need to find myself again.

Unwritten

The past year has been a wonderful journey. It has been the most challenging, stress full, productive, mind boggling year I had for a very long time. It has played with my emotion and I was on this roller coaster ride. Going on circles with ups, downs and bumps that left bruises here and there that healed eventually with no lasting scar I hoped but with valued lessons.

Its been  few years since I have written a note on my birthday. It took awhile for words to form sentences that turned into a worthwhile story. The last few years was eventful and there are lots of little stories to be told. Several chapter of my book  begun and ended. Relationship came and went then another started. Met a lot of people that changed the course of my life. A 360 turn. I was at lost, but amazingly found my bearings and enabled me to see where I really want to go. Amidst the chaos, I found my direction. Among the ruins and darkness, I found the guiding light that lead me on the right path. Its not going to be an easy feat but it could be accomplished.

Most of the things I have set to do, I have achieved. Crossed out a few places and things on my bucket list. That was so much fun. And I am most grateful for the experience. It has awakened my dormant sense of adventure. Now I hungered for more. Some things didn’t came out as planned, and its been difficult, but solutions often presents itself when you least expected it. The most important lesson is to keep an open mind, burn bridges when its utterly necessary and keep connecting with different people. Be yourself, you don’t need to play a part nor be someone else to be respected and liked.

In my mid 30’s, I am definitely not where I have imagined I will be, but I have never been more clear on the direction my life needs to follow. My best is yet unwritten and that journey has just begun.

my heart is breaking
silently
slowly
painfully into a thousand pieces

walking like an empty shell
breathing
awake
but not really living

 a voice keeps ringing
screaming
maddening
making my ears bleed

the darkness is calling me
enticing
seducing
smiling i followed willingly

We touched,

We hugged,

We kissed,

We have crossed the line.

Isolation

Solace.
Isolation.
Aloneness.
Serenity.
Solitude.
One my own.
Away from everything
From every one.

I find what was lost,
To gain what is found.
To live to be alive.
To love, to give life.

MIRACLE

When i heard this, I remember you and i cried. Im missing you with every heartbeat. I love you everyday and twice on Sundays. Visit me in my dreams and comfort me in my sleep, not a day goes by that im not thinking of you.

MIRACLE  by  KT Tunstall
 
Remember we’d always see
The end is the enemy
Now I know it isn’t so
We’re starting to rea-lize…
You’ve been given me good advice
About where we go
And if I ever need you
You’ll be there..  In the end
 
Chorus:
Like a miracle A miracle (A miracle)
Maybe when we leave It’s a rise and not a fall
Is it possible?
It seems so real.
I’m sure that I can see the stars in your eyes
 
With this mores of agility
And beautiful ability
There’s must be a reason
To why we all survive
And feel this alive
Could it be, that we all have a key, to this universe
I’m searching for a way to reach that high
A way to fly
(Repeat Chorus)
 
Bridge:
Even there’s a law,
To fight and let it go
I’d still fight it, fight it.
Now I am alone
I feel it in my bones
I have not yet found
Against this li—fe..
 
For It’s a miracle A miracle
Maybe when we leave it’s a rise and not a fall
Is it possible?
It seems so real
I’m sure that I can see the stars in your eyes.
 
It’s a miracle, a miracle
See these patterns emerging all over?
It’s incredible
So beautiful
The purpose of this love for each of us.
(Interlude until fade)

I bend
I fell
I bleed

Tumbling down
The open sea

I begged
I kneeled
I plead

Drowning on
That open waTer

I tried
I fought
I failed

Dying tormented.
Lost my heart and soul.